Not So Joyous

Well, here we are, 2 months after my last post. And, I hate to say, this, but I have NOT been very joyous lately. Not a bit, in fact. You might say that I had a month of recovery, and then a 2 month pity party. I am not proud of this, but I just want to be honest.

You see, I had visions of myself starting school in a smaller size, withering away before people's eyes. But, that was not God had planned. Now, His plan is infinitely better than mine, mind you. (I mean, I am living, my liver is functioning well, and I am mostly healed.) But you see, OTHERS can't see that change in me. And I think that is what I wanted. I wanted OTHERS to see me become more socially acceptable (aka - thinner, smaller, etc). I wanted OTHERS to compliment ME on MY change. And I don't think that is what God wanted. To continue to be honest, I am almost embarrassed. I built up the surgery, and it didn't happen. I wonder if people are thinking I am silly, or that it did happen, and it just isn't working for me.

From the beginning, I have wanted this to be about a focus on God. And for a while there, I think it was. Well, at least while it was all going my way. But, things changed. And I have had a rough summer. This has been a trial, and I am trying to use this testimony to show how God works in ways we don't understand, and that He has an ultimate plan that may not match ours. But, I have to admit, I have had some anger, some questioning, and a lot of frustration.

I don't like to be sick. I don't like to depend on people. I am "THE MOM," and I want to do all that title entails. I missed a MONTH of my kids' summer. I sent them off to camp/grandmother's for 2 weeks of the 4 I was actually up and functioning. All because I wasn't able to function and take care of them both. I feel cheated out of my summer, and of spending time with my family.

Now, school has started, and I am exhausted. And this is not typical school starting back exhaustion,  this is different. It takes all I have plus some to make it until 3:00 on Friday afternoons, and then I literally come home and go to bed (or fall asleep in my chair.) And I don't like it, not a bit.

What makes this exhaustion even worse, is knowing that I am NOT doing all I can to fight it. (There's some more honesty for ya!) I'm not. I am not walking. I can't tell you the last time I attended an aerobics class or the Wellness Center. I am not doing my part. I am not drinking my water, I am back on my Diet Pepsi train. I am eating too many carbs again.  I am not reading and studying my Bible like I should. I have FALLEN OFF OF THE PROVERBIAL WAGON (and feel like it has run me over!)

That is part of what this post is about. Confession time. I HAVE fallen off the wagon. But, I know that my God is a loving and forgiving God. So, tonight, when I finish this post, I am going to get in my Bible. I am going to run back into my Father's arms like the prodigal daughter I am, and I am going to thank Him for His plan. And I am telling you this, because I need accountability. So, please pray for me, and if I ask you for a Diet Pepsi, give me some water with lemon and assure me that I will feel better in a few days...

Thanks for reading! Love you all!

Jolie

Lost Time, and Remembered Love

Wow, I just checked the date on my last post. June 9. That was a while ago. Sorry - but I have been on experiencing some "lost time" this month. This oh-so-lovely surgery appears to have done a number on me. I sit here, doing nothing. No Facebook, no texting, no phone calls. No television. No reading. Just nothing. And if you know me, you know that is not normal.

I blame it on the anesthesia. The "staring into space" AND the sometimes overly emotional crying - I blame it all on the anesthesia. Might as well, it can't "argue back." :)

Now - to recap. The last time I wrote was Monday, June 9. On Wednesday, June 11, I made my first venture out into the real world for a follow-up, where I learned that all my pathology had come back benign. Yay!!!! However, that day trip literally WORE ME OUT. I mean, I went to bed before 5:00, Dan had to practically feed me dinner...I was DONE! Then, on Thursday, I really did not feel well at all. And on Friday, I started running a fever. Well, finally, when Dan was home with me on Saturday, and I was once again running a fever, he called the surgeon on call. He called me in an antibiotic, and I started it Saturday afternoon. Within 5 hours we could tell it was starting to work. However, I remained sickly through Wednesday, when I once again headed out to the doctor. Dr. Pinson was convinced I was better, but did encourage me to WALK more! (I know - I have been a horrible rehab patient this time around.) Once again, the doctor's visit wore me out, and I slept away. Finally, on Saturday, Dan Reid made me get up and about. I went to my mom's, and laid on her couch. All day. It was good for me to get out, and see some people. I was not up to church today, but I hope to be there next week, especially if I can get a few good walks in this week to build up my strength.

Now, I have had a TON of things running through my mind (and I don't promise it has all been sane!). I will start with the irony, and move on to the serious. -

Irony - I was supposed to have a bariatric surgery that would alter what I am able to eat and drink. I was SO AFRAID of starving. Well, no bariatric surgery completed - I have NO dietary restrictions, and I am struggling to eat a bite of anything! Well, up until yesterday, that is. I will eat 2-3 bites of something, then I am full, and sick. Because of this, I have lost an additional 15-20 pounds this month. At my last weigh-in on my home scale, I have now officially lost 78# in a year. Now, I can tell my appetite is coming back, and I am going to have to get back on it soon, but for now, I am letting it ride. I am eating what I think my body needs to heal, and prepare itself for the rest of this journey.

Now, for the serious note. I am no theologian, scholar, or expert. However, I have learned a lesson this month that I want all young girls who dream of marrying someday to know. Dan Reid has shown me the most self-less love imaginable during this time. Now, those of you who know him, know that Dan is one of the most practical people on the face of this earth. No, he didn't send me flowers. Yes, he only took off work one day (but FYI - I insisted on only 1 day!) We are not the most romantic couple you will ever see...We are more likely to save our money for a household necessity rather than to buy gifts for each other. But I have been moved to tears more than once this week by his love.

This precious man has performed tasks that no one should have to perform for their spouse, especially a man for his wife. He has slept (well, laid on the couch) in my hospital room every night but one (when I sent him home.) He has continued to sleep in our guest bed, because I sleep better in the recliner in the guest room, and he doesn't want to be far from me. He wakes up to walk with me to the bathroom multiple times each night. He INSISTS that I sleep in my sexy, green "grippy socks" from the hospital so I don't fall.  He has run this house like a well-oiled machine in my "absence." He has a system, and the kids are following it. Yes, all of my pajamas may be piled on top of the washing machine, but if I need clean clothes, they are right there, in easy reach. He has gone to work for his 10+ hour days, and then come home to water the flowers I helped JC plant, and promised to help take care of. He comes home and makes sure the kids and I are fed. He has grocery shopped for any little thing my heart desired. He has done laundry and dishes. He makes sure I have a shower and a walk every day.  And he has done it all with a smile, a kiss, and a tender "I love yous" for the kids and me.

This, ladies and gentlemen, This is love. Love as a verb...And I cry as I sit here typing this. I wish that all of the young ladies who are looking for Mr. Right would look for more of these qualities, and less of the worldly qualities such as looks and money. To have been blessed by God by this man is unreal. To me, this week/month especially, when I have had to have assistance with EVERY activity of daily living from toileting to brushing my teeth, I cannot imagine not having a love like this. Someone who selflessly helps with any task no matter how menial or disgusting. Who doesn't tease. Who wakes up in the middle of the night to hold your hand, because he just felt like you needed it.

That, friends - That is what you should pray for. This type of love is what I pray for my children. Both of them.

Thank you, God, for using this time to show me how blessed I am to have such a special man as my partner. Please allow me to remember the love this man has shown to me, and let me be worthy of such a love! Please work your will in our lives, and help me to be the wife he deserves....

Have a blessed week!

A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step...

Hello, friends! This is NOT the post I expected to be making today. Today's post was supposed to be all "Yay, it's over!" and "Whoo - hoo....Guess how much I have lost now?!?"

Nope - Today I am going to talk about my journey, and some detours that I have had to take. I like to tell my "stroke patients" in the nursing home that they (and their words) are STILL IN THERE. We just have to find the way to get them out. I always use a trip to Walmart as an example. There are as many different ways to get to Walmart in Tupelo as there are people going there. Just because you don't go "my way" does not mean your way is wrong. (Just don't tell Dan Reid I said that, because he ALWAYS goes the wrong way!).

Last Tuesday, I had "paid my dues." I had been on a full liquid diet for 3 days, a clear liquid diet for 1 day, and had tolerated the 8000mg of antibiotics AND the bowel prep. I was up, showered, and off to the hospital. They rolled me back shortly after 1pm, and I was expecting to wake up a changed woman. Vertical sleeve in place, weight loss tool in place, ready to tackle the world.

Then, I came to in the recovery room. You know, they REALLY want to talk to you a lot back there, and I was SO not in the mood for listening. Especially when all I could remember was Dr. Pinson saying "we didn't do your sleeve, but I will do it for you when you heal from this." WHAT!?!?!? I mean, REALLY!?!?!? To wake up in pain, and be told that you didn't get your surgery? Not cool! Well, there was a lot of blur in the recovery room, and later in my room that night. Dr. Pinson came around AGAIN and reiterated that he would take care of my vertical sleeve, but not until I healed.

Now - Here is the story as it was told to me later:
Dan and Mama were sent up to my hospital room when they took me back for surgery. Dan went to get some lunch, and while he was gone, Dr. Pinson called the room and told Mama that my gallbladder looked abnormal, and that he thought he needed to remove it. Mama said fine - whatever was best. Then, Dan came back, and she told him. As they were talking about it, they both realized/remembered that I had had my gallbladder removed in 2005, when Jon Carter was a baby. I guess they began to get concerned around then. The hour and a half surgery ended up taking over 3 hours. When they brought me out, Dr. Pinson went and explained to Dan and Mama that I had some type of massive cyst/growth on my liver that he had had to remove. When he "showed" me the size with his hands, it was reminiscent of a cantaloupe. This growth contained at least a liter of bile. Dr. Pinson had consulted with Dr. Charles Pigott, and neither of them had ever seen anything like it. The two of them consulted a pathologist, and the 3 of them all agreed that it had to go. So go it did.

As I recovered in the hospital for a few extra days (5!) I realized how blessed I was. 1) My doctors feel that this growth is benign, and that they think they got it all. 2) There were 3 physicians and a resident that were responsible for me - One was Dr. Pinson, who I have developed a relationship with over the past year, another was Charles Pigott, who has kids around the same age as my kids, and he has been my surgeon before (he is also my grandmother's neighbor), and the third doctor was a pathologist. Well, I know exactly 1 pathologist in this world, and it was him - Rob Jarrett, who is one of Jon Carter's friends dads. So, you see, God placed these 3 there to take care of me. I truly believe that! This growth was discovered in a controlled operating room, not after a spontaneous rupture where we would be wondering what was going on.

As you see - My journey has taken a detour. However, I will continue to work toward my weight loss goals, and I will pray to see if the vertical sleeve is a step that I will need to take in my future. Right now, I am literally just too sore, too tired, and too sick to make that kind of decision. However, please know that I am sure that I am 100% exactly where God wants me to be this week.

Thank you all who have called, texted, prayed, picked up kids, delivered kids, cooked meals... It is all appreciated, and I don't have any idea how long it will be before I can resume normal activities. So, thank you!

Blessings in your journeys, my friends! Love you all!

Fatherly Love

I haven't REALLY been happy with my last few blog posts.  I have really wanted to post some deep, spiritual insights, however, I have had none. I don't want this site to be about me, or my kids, or Dan. I really want this site to be about God, and the work He is doing in my life through this weigh loss journey. But lately, I have just done good to get up and go to work. If you work in education, you will understand this. May just sucks the life right out of you! MCT2, IEPs, dismissals, parties, Awards Days, Field Days, end-of-year special education testing...Needless to say, I have been a tad bit overwhelmed. Add to that the physical stress of eating only 30g of carbs a day, and trying NOT to drink Diet Pepsi...Wow! Let's just say we are lucky my head hasn't exploded yet, or that I am not wearing one of those nice white vests that ties in the back!

Anyway - I digress. Spiritual truths or revelations.

So, today I had to go to have my pre-op bloodwork/testing done at the hospital. I sat down and opened my Nook app, but felt guilty because I haven't been reading the Bible like I should. So, I reluctantly closed that app, and opened my Bible app. It opened to the "Verse of the Day" for today's date. This is what I read...

No discipline seems enjoyable at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it yields the fruit of peace and righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

Hebrews 12:11 (HCSB)

That was like a revelation to me. No discipline seems enjoyable at the time. Ain't that the truth! Let me tell you, 30 grams of carbs a day is discipline. And it really isn't enjoyable to me. But, look - the Bible tells me that "discipline yields the fruit of PEACE and RIGHTEOUSNESS." Peace and righteousness. Who doesn't want that? Will only eating 30g of carbs give me peace? I doubt it. Not me, nor my kids, nor especially my sweet Dan, who thinks I have been a little "testy" lately. No, controlling my carbs won't give me peace, but the DISCIPLINE will. Discipline is something I lack in several areas of my life, not just food. But, here God's word telling me that if I embrace the discipline, it will eventually give me peace and righteousness. Who wouldn't want that? 

So, after reading that verse, and being touched by it, I moved on to read the chapter. When the page opens on my phone, the heading says "The Call to Endurance." Verses 1 and 2 say: 

Therefore, since we also have such a large cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares us. Let us run with endurance the race that lies before us, keeping our eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that lay before Him endured a cross and despised the shame and has sat down at the right hand of God's throne.

Let ME run with endurance! I don't have a cross to face, only a diet. I don't have a cross to face, I only have to have DISCIPLINE where my eating and working out is concerned. How blessed am I? That is NOTHING compared to what Jesus gave for me! So what, I would MUCH rather give up what God is asking me to than to face what Jesus faced.

The next section (verses 3-13) fall under the heading "Fatherly Discipline." Well, I wish that wasn't a phrase that we use at our house, but with a 9 year old and an 11 year old, "fatherly discipline" is discussed a LOT. These verses say:

For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, so that you won't grow weary and lose heart. In struggling against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And you have forgotten the exhortation that addresses you  as sons: My son, do not take the Lord's discipline lightly or faint when you are reproved by Him, for the Lord disciplines the one He loves and punishes every son He receives. Endure suffering as discipline: God is dealing with you as sons. For what son is there that a father does not discipline? But if you are without discipline - which ALL receive - then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Furthermore, we had natural fathers discipline us, and we respected them. Shouldn't we submit even more to the Father of Spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time based on what seemed good to them, but He does it for our benefit, so that we can SHARE IN HIS HOLINESS. No discipline seems enjoyable at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it yields the fruit of peace and righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Therefore strengthen your tired hands and weakened knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated, but healed instead.

God uses discipline to help us grow, so that we can SHARE IN HIS HOLINESS. We are disciplined by our earthly fathers, because they love us. So, imagine how much God loves us? God loves me as HIS child. I just tried tonight to explain to Sadie about the love of a parent, but we all know - you just can't understand it until you are there. And GOD feels that way about ME! So, that being said, I'll take the discipline. Because, during the past 12 months, God has given me so much! He IS leading me towards peace and righteousness. He is teaching me discipline in one area of my life, that is carrying over to other areas. Areas that will help me become a better Christian, and to witness to others.

The time is drawing closer. Only 1 more day of solid food, then 3 days of full liquids, then 1 day of clear liquids. In 6 more wake-ups, I'll be heading out to NMMC, ready to take the next "exit" on this journey to a new me. I think I am ready. Much more ready than I was in February. "All things work for good for those who know Christ Jesus." (Romans 8:28)

Blessings! 

~ 1 Week ~

Several months ago, I found an app called "Final Countdown." It makes a cute little countdown clock for your phone. Well, when I got it, there were like 150 days until surgery, and now it says "7 days, 8 hours, 15 minutes, etc..." 7 days. That is not long!

I know I have mentioned it before, but I am "low-carbing" it for 3 more days, then it is on to a full liquid diet for 4 days. Then - the fateful day of clear liquids. Then - THE DAY. I am still almost too scared to believe it.

7 days! Wow! And in that time, I have a LOT to finish! Oh well, as I am ever the procrastinator...I think I will go to bed!

The Countdown is On!

Well, June 3 will be here before I know it! I know this, because May 23 and the end of school just crept up on me too! Man, I was not prepared! I still have some work to do to finish up this year! But, my goal is to complete it by next Friday, then I will be on the the next phase!

In the past I have mentioned the low-carb thing. Last time I tried the pre-surgery diet I was weak, dizzy, weepy. Just totally not a nice person. Well, I thought I was handling it better this time. But, now I am not so sure. According to Dan and the kids, it might have been a little rougher than I realized! So, I did the honorable thing, apologized for being ill, and just asked them to bear with me for the summer. They are so great, though, really. Dan tells the kids all the time that I get to pick whatever we eat (at home or out), because I am going to be so limited soon. Sadie knew I was stressed out earlier this week, and shared her "stress relief" Aveeno lotion with me. She even massaged my neck with it. And JC, well he is just his Mama's baby! He makes me laugh. And he washes the towels. Oh, and waters the plants. (He is going to be a gardener!). I know I couldn't do this without them.

So, that being said, they are REALLY probably not going to like me the for the next 10 days. I feel that panic of "it's never all going to get done before surgery" coming on! You know what I mean. I have a to-do list a mile long! Buy groceries for the family while I am down, stock the freezer, clean the house (my mother-in-law is coming to stay for several days while I am in the hospital), make arrangements for the kids... Then, there is the "surgery specific" list...buy/plan for food I can eat with no carbs, buy food for liquid portion of diet, pick up pre-surgery prescriptions, buy new underwear (we all know that our grandmothers taught us that you have to have new panties if you are in the hospital!), buy new PJs (see previous note on underwear!), pack.

Well, that is a lot going on for me, one who tends to be a little bit of a nervous Nellie at times. So, I pray that I don't forget the most important thing that needs to go on the top of that list...Prayer. Prayer for me, that the surgery will go well, prayer for my family (they are sacrificing a lot), prayer for my surgeon, prayer for a quick recovery. That being said, I would like to ask that you all pray for me. Pray that I will have the strength to maintain the pre-surgery diet, that I will have a quick recovery, that I maintain some semblance of calm, and most importantly - Pray that I will remember to pray. That I don't lose sight of God in the chaos of my life.

Thank you all for tagging along with me on this journey. You just do not realize what encouragement your comments bring to me.

Have a blessed long weekend, and remember those who have sacrificed for us in order that we may live free!

Love you all!

Jolie

A Lost Key? Or a Reality Check?

Well, I haven't posted lately, because, well, because of life. Spring soccer season ended one week, and baseball started the next, I think. And then, it has just been spring! Needless to say, there is a lot of stuff to catch up on!

First - I know you are reading the title, and thinking, "Has she lost her mind?" Let me explain...

Today, I woke up at 5 am to a beautiful morning. I got up, and went for a short, glorious walk downtown. (FYI - That is now one of my favorite pastimes! Who would've thought???) I came home, showered, got the kids up and ready, packed lunch, made coffee, and gathered all of my many bags. Then, I went to the door to get my car key. No key! I remembered Dan had had it yesterday, so I went to his dresser - no key. Then, I knew, I had sent Jon Carter to the car last night to get something - I asked him. No idea, and no key. Well, I am SUPPOSED to be at work for duty at 7:15. I have our commute timed out perfectly, and the lost key was not helping! It was already 7:20, and I had not even left home. So, I called Dan, who knows where EVERYTHING is, and who NEVER loses things to admit that we had "misplaced" the ONLY key to my van. Well, he was not very happy (this has been a sore subject for a while now. Probably since I lost the other key!)  Dan said it was on the kitchen table, he had seen it. So we started searching again. I finally gave up, and drove Dan's old "clunker" van that we keep as an extra. I was SO ILL! I fussed and fussed all the way to work.

After getting to work 20+ minutes late, I realize that Spring Fever has hit. Especially the 5th graders. (I mean really, is it a full moon????) Then, at 8:00, I realize that 3rd grade awards are supposed to happen at 8:30 today. I didn't even put it on my calendar, because I work there, right? No problem to walk on down to the gym and see the awards. Until I remember my 8:45 appointment with Dr. Pinson! Holy Moly! So, I call his office, and the nice lady tells me to just come on in after awards day, and they will fit me in. So, I go to awards, meet with a few parents about end of the year things (they were captive - you have to take your parents when you can for signatures!) So, off I go to the doctor, for a final check-in before surgery.

Finally, I made it- 9:45 and I am signed in at Dr. Pinson's office. I sit down, chat, check Facebook, Instagram a few pictures, you know the drill - Just hanging out. Well, I wait, and wait. And wait some more. At 11:30, they realize that they have NEVER PRINTED MY TICKET! So, I am near breaking, but I am not about to leave - Surgery is scheduled for June 3! I HAVE to see the doctor! Well, I finally go back to see him, and he says we are good to go! He still wants me to work on losing as much as I can pre-surgery, but I am good. THANK GOODNESS!

Now- Back to Lawndale for lunch, then off to THS for some testing. I knock that out, and head back to LES. Where I am walking down the hall when a TRUE FRIEND teacher tells me that I have a hole in my dress. Right on my bottom. Right cheek. And guess what, it is not 1 hole, but 2. So yes, I have walked around the world today with a hole in my dress!

Then, it was home to search FRUITLESSLY for the key before baseball. No go! So, JC is late for the pre-game batting practice. But he was a trooper, and didn't complain at all. (Even though he did cry some, because he was the one who lost the key!)

Next, we come home and I am trying to make a quick dinner. And I drop six eggs in the floor. Yay me! I head into the living room to watch TV while I eat (no sit-down meal here tonight!), and there, under the edge of the chair, was my car key!

What a day!

But, throughout it all, here is what I realized:
1. I was late for work, but I have awesome co-workers who cover for me when that happens.
2. I was able to see my sweet JC at awards day.
3. I met a woman who had lost 181#s at the doctor's office.
4. HE SAYS THE SURGERY IS A GO!!!!
5. I am blessed that I have an extra car to drive, even if it wasn't what I wanted to drive.
6. If I had to have a hole in my dress, at least it was a black dress, and I had on black underwear. (It could havebeen worse.)

Throughout it all, I was able to see the good things. For every negative, there was a positive.  I feel like there was a war (well, at least a battle) going on inside me today. It was like Satan was trying to sabotage every step of my day, but God was opening my eyes to the positive!

I found this quote on Pinterest tonight

In happy moments, Praise God!

In difficult moments, Seek God.

In quiet moments, Trust God.

In every moment, Thank God!

Lord, Today I want to thank you for showing me the positives! Thank you for allowing me to laugh at myself. And Lord, thank you for days like today to put it all in perspective! And Lord, Thank you for allowing me to FIND THE KEY!