Well, here we are, 2 months after my last post. And, I hate to say, this, but I have NOT been very joyous lately. Not a bit, in fact. You might say that I had a month of recovery, and then a 2 month pity party. I am not proud of this, but I just want to be honest.
You see, I had visions of myself starting school in a smaller size, withering away before people's eyes. But, that was not God had planned. Now, His plan is infinitely better than mine, mind you. (I mean, I am living, my liver is functioning well, and I am mostly healed.) But you see, OTHERS can't see that change in me. And I think that is what I wanted. I wanted OTHERS to see me become more socially acceptable (aka - thinner, smaller, etc). I wanted OTHERS to compliment ME on MY change. And I don't think that is what God wanted. To continue to be honest, I am almost embarrassed. I built up the surgery, and it didn't happen. I wonder if people are thinking I am silly, or that it did happen, and it just isn't working for me.
From the beginning, I have wanted this to be about a focus on God. And for a while there, I think it was. Well, at least while it was all going my way. But, things changed. And I have had a rough summer. This has been a trial, and I am trying to use this testimony to show how God works in ways we don't understand, and that He has an ultimate plan that may not match ours. But, I have to admit, I have had some anger, some questioning, and a lot of frustration.
I don't like to be sick. I don't like to depend on people. I am "THE MOM," and I want to do all that title entails. I missed a MONTH of my kids' summer. I sent them off to camp/grandmother's for 2 weeks of the 4 I was actually up and functioning. All because I wasn't able to function and take care of them both. I feel cheated out of my summer, and of spending time with my family.
Now, school has started, and I am exhausted. And this is not typical school starting back exhaustion, this is different. It takes all I have plus some to make it until 3:00 on Friday afternoons, and then I literally come home and go to bed (or fall asleep in my chair.) And I don't like it, not a bit.
What makes this exhaustion even worse, is knowing that I am NOT doing all I can to fight it. (There's some more honesty for ya!) I'm not. I am not walking. I can't tell you the last time I attended an aerobics class or the Wellness Center. I am not doing my part. I am not drinking my water, I am back on my Diet Pepsi train. I am eating too many carbs again. I am not reading and studying my Bible like I should. I have FALLEN OFF OF THE PROVERBIAL WAGON (and feel like it has run me over!)
That is part of what this post is about. Confession time. I HAVE fallen off the wagon. But, I know that my God is a loving and forgiving God. So, tonight, when I finish this post, I am going to get in my Bible. I am going to run back into my Father's arms like the prodigal daughter I am, and I am going to thank Him for His plan. And I am telling you this, because I need accountability. So, please pray for me, and if I ask you for a Diet Pepsi, give me some water with lemon and assure me that I will feel better in a few days...
Thanks for reading! Love you all!
Jolie
